I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
