Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
