____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.