i permit you to call me
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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