I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
