WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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