Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
