If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
