hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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