well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Randomize
