no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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