i just had sex bonerless
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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