I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
