after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
