Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
