I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
