I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
she told me i tasted like america
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
