when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
