So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
