whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
