is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
