tell your sister to shave her snatch
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
