Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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