i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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