If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
