I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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