How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
