we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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