im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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