you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
