I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
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If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
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Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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