omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He kissed a someone with a penis
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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