New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
