I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
