Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
