he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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