he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
