How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
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WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
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Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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