Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
