I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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