omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
