my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
