Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
