walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
