Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Drunk is a universal language darling
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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