If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
That was an excessively violent trivia night
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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