At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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