gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
