how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
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Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
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He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize