I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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