she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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