Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
