people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
