He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize