1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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