Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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